Talking to your child

It is hard enough dealing with the fact that your child has cancer. The whirlwind from diagnosis to extended hospital stays, treatment and side-effects is often overwhelming. It will disrupt the whole family and at the centre of it all is the child who is sick.

A step too far...

With all that is going on, it may seem a step too far for parents to tell their child about what is happening to them. Many parents say it is the hardest thing and knowing how to handle it may not come naturally. Some parents feel that it is their duty to protect their child that is sick, rather than to tell them what is happening. Children will notice when something is very wrong, and this atmosphere may cause them worry.

If children feel insecure about what is happening to them they may become angry, withdrawn or ‘play up’ in general. Parents are the most trusted people in their life so they need to feel able to ask them anything.

Older children

For older school-aged children it may be best (if not easiest) to be open and try to explain what is happening. They may be too frightened to ask questions or may not know what questions to ask. If you can be honest and talk to them about their illness and treatment plan, it may help to reduce their fears about what lies ahead. If you cannot face this, then ask your child’s Consultant to talk to them with you present, or ask your specialist nurse to help you rehearse what to say.

Younger children

Younger children may not understand their illness but be frightened of the hospital, the machines and possible separation from their family. They need reassurance that separation will not happen and that the hospital and staff are there to help.

Most hospitals have play rooms with dedicated staff who will help your child understand what is happening to them through play. They may notice things that your child is anxious about, so you and their care team can reassure them. This can be a helpful way for your child to understand their illness and treatment in a relaxed and friendly environment. Siblings can use the play room too. To find out more about how play specialists can help, visit our What we do section.

Resources

For parents who are experiencing difficulties to finding the right words, there are a number of age-appropriate books that can help. Reading these with your child may help them explore their new, albeit temporary, world of illness and the hospital.

Further information and to order these books please contact the Child Cancer Helpline on 0800 197 0069 or you can order them online here.

Older children and teenagers may want straightforward and honest answers. They may also be frightened about pain and changes to the way they look. It can be helpful to explain that pain can be controlled and that side-effects are temporary. Again there are some useful publications to help. Further information about these resources is available from the Child Cancer Helpline on 0800 197 0068 or they can be ordered online here.

Teenagers can also visit our information for young people section for further information.

Teenagers may have started to become more independent before their illness and may resent relying on their parents again for help and support. It may be helpful for them to talk to another trusted adult so they can get the information they need independently. Parents could also let them make choices about aspects of their care that will not interfere with their treatment – for example what clothes they can wear in the hospital or arranging for them to have their own music in the hospital.