siblings

message: Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your son, I should think it will be very hard to cope with his illness and your daughter's distress on top must feel like too much. I hope this e-mail helps, feel free to use what you can and ignore the rest. Also I want to say that you sound like a good mum doing the best you can - you are after all noticing and minding that your daughter is upset when you could be very focussed on other things. Pat yourself on the back before you do anything else!
I am assuming that you have checked out with school that there are not issues at school that are causing your daughter to cry when she is left rather than everyone assuming it is the upset at home'? Children often go through phases of not wanting to be at school even when siblings are fine(not meant to be patronising, but I remember how hard I found it to see the wood for the trees when my child was ill).
I think it's probably a good sign that she's playing nurses - she is trying to work out things in her own way as children do through play. I can see where you are coming from with asking your daughter what is wrong but I think at four she is unlikely to be able to articulate what she is feeling. If anyone had asked me at 35yrs old what was wrong when my daughter was ill I'd have struggled to tell them! Although your daughter might have realised something is wrong it isn't likely that she will really grasp the meaning - it is more likely that her behaviour is a reaction to the general change of mood in the home (parents upset, talking in whispers that sort of stuff) and it is more likely to be this that is disturbing her. She may have some fears about her own well-being and on-going ness - although it sounds mean to say it at this age children need reassurance that they are ok, not too much to make an issue of it but just the odd comment to the effect that 'you're fine, Mummy and Daddy are fine' (might help). With regards to her behaviour I'd try (recognise how hard it is) to get things as 'normal' as possible, and this will include going back to basics with her behaviour, follow the nanny 911/nannyjo stuff or buy 'The parenting puzzle' which is by candida hunt and is about £15 and use it - it has really good hints on how to get toddlers into line.. Give yourself permission to follow it - there is too much info for me to give here and the book does it far better! In my opinion the best thing you can do for your daughter is to try to make things as 'normal' as possible which includes having clear rules and boundaries about what is acceptable., don't feel mean when you put in place a conseqence for 'bad' behaviour, it is doign this that will help her feel safe. My guess is that she is feeling upset by the changes in the house, and you can word this for her saying something like 'you are upset because of the changes' or whatever, but then go back to being the good parent you clearly are.
I hope this helps.
My thoughts are with you.

message: does you daughter know what is going on? if not she may be dismayed that her brother is getting all this attention. She will obviously know that something is going on and some times children make things alot worse in there heads, perhaps she has over heard someone mentioning death, or has associated the word cancer with things she hears on TV. If she does know again maybe she is worried her brother will die. maybe she feels jealous of all the attention he is getting and playing nurse in school she imagines making him better and life getting back to normal. My son who has RMS was very like this he was reserved and wouldn't tell me what was wrong so I started guessing at things that might be bothering him, I think that when he heard me saying things that could be bothering him he realised that what he was feeling was perfectly normal. Also you could try sitting her down and talk about writing a book with pictures you do the writing and she can draw the pictures, call the book the story of ___ and her sick brother. Start off when your son got sick ask her what happened and how she felt and get her to draw a picture corresponding to it, you might be amazed what you get told. As for school have you found that there have been times that she has went to school and come home to find you have went to the hospital. No doubt its upsetting, perhaps you could get her a mobile phone pay as you go, with just your nuumber in it, that could be her direct line to you anytime day or night that she wants to talk to you. Also try to keep her as updated as you can with hospital visits maybe put up a calander with a count down to any hospital stays. (don't put the coming home though as you well kow those dates don't always stick) the she will has a visual sign of anytime you are going.

message: Thankyou both so much. I have read through both of your messages a few times and taken some advice on board. I have asked her if anything is bothering her in school and she says she is worried about us (me ewan and daddy). No matter how many times I reassure her she still gets upset when I leave her. Teacher says her spark is gone. When I pick her up she is happy. She just wants to be here with us she says. I will look out for the book you reccommended as it sounds good and I will do my best to stick to the same rules as always. Shes on her way back from 3 days at my mums where shes been an angel and really enjoyed herself so im hoping she will be the same when she gets back. As for whats going on yes she does know whats happened but nobody has said the word cancer to her so she wouldnt know what that is, just that hes had a bad eye and it had to be taken away. I will just keep reassuring all the time and making sure she knows how important she is too.
Thanks again to you both x