Siblings

When a child is diagnosed with cancer, tests and treatment often start straight away leaving parents little or no time to explain things to their other children. Often one parent ‘disappears’ to the hospital to stay with the sick child, or the brothers and sisters are sent to family or friends while both parents focus on their poorly sibling.

Was it my fault?

If siblings aren’t sure what is happening, difficulties may arise. For example younger children may believe that they caused the cancer by having an argument with their sibling, or by wishing “something bad” could happen to them. They may need reassurance that it is not their fault. Younger children may also need to know that they cannot “catch” the cancer from the sick child.

Attention

Brothers and sisters of all ages may worry about their sibling’s health yet also be resentful of the attention that the ill child is getting. They may struggle to adapt to the changing circumstances and their changing role within the family. The may feel that you, as parents,  are spending too much time away from home. They may just miss you. Where possible it can be helpful to plan some time with them so they can be the centre of your attention for a while. This could be something as simple as a telephone call from the hospital if this is the only time available.

It may be helpful, especially if parents are absent, for brothers and sisters to have another trusted adult to talk to about their feelings and fears. There are also a number of useful age-related resources to help them understand what is happening. These can be ordered from our CLIC Sargent Child Cancer Helpline on 0800 197 0068 or online here.

Understanding

Many parents feel that it may be too frightening for the other children to see their brother or sister in hospital but often this is a good way to help them understand the whole situation. It can reassure siblings that their brother or sister is being taken care of and help them realise where you are when you are not at home. It may be necessary to arrange the visit through the hospital staff and special precautions (regarding infection control for example) may need to be taken.

If the sick child has returned home taking siblings along to a clinic (if manageable) will let them see for themselves what it is like and what is happening to their brother or sister.

Guilt

Siblings may also feel guilty because of their jealousy and need reassurance that they are not bad people for feeling this way. It is a natural reaction. Trying, where possible, to treat all of the children equally when the sick child is at home may reduce these feelings of jealousy, especially if they see that the sick child is not ‘getting away with things’ that they cannot.

Some brothers and sisters keep feelings bottled-up inside to avoid worrying their parents. They will need reassurance from you that they can talk about their fears and that any questions they may have will be answered. You may find you have more time available to them when the initial treatment is underway. Children are very sensitive to atmospheres around the house and many families find it is easiest to explain honestly what is going on.

School

At schools teachers need to be kept informed of the situation so they can support siblings in the classroom and look out for intentional or unintentional unkindness by classmates. Classmates can even tease the sick child when they return to school – especially if their appearance has changed. This can be hard for siblings too something that a teacher should watch out for.

There is information available for teachers that explains about a child with cancer in the classroom. This information may also be useful to help teachers support the child’s brothers and sisters. It contains information about cancer so the teacher can help explain it to classmates if necessary. You can receive a copy of this information by calling the Child Cancer Helpline on 0800 197 0068 or by ordering it online here.

Help available

You can also ask a member of your child’s care team, such as a CLIC Sargent Nurse or Social Worker to arrange for help to support your other children.  For example, in certain areas there are outings for siblings to meet others in the same boat as themselves. Brothers and sisters can also make use of the play specialists at home or in the hospital (where available) to help them come to terms with the situation and express their feelings to a trusted adult.