Practical issues

Handling what has to be done

When a child dies, there are certain practical matters that have to be dealt with.

Registering the death

Families need to take the death certificate issued by the hospital to their local Registrar’s Office within five days of the death. Location of offices can be found in the telephone book

The Registrar will ask:

• Details of the child’s place of birth
• Details of their place and time of death
• The full name of each parent/guardian
• If there is a decision yet on burial or cremation

Parents will be given:

• White form – to cancel benefits for the child (Disability Living Allowance, Child Benefit, Invalid Care Allowance).
• Green form – to hand to the undertakers to authorise the use of their services.

Parents can ask for a death certificate – for a small fee. This is needed to close any accounts in a child’s name or to surrender any insurance policies in their name.

Planning the Funeral

Funerals will mean different things to different families. Here are some options families consider:

• Church - religious service
• Crematorium – a religious or non-religious service or no service
• Special Place – humanist service

Other considerations are who to ask to lead the service, and how to involve siblings, family and friends.

Burial or cremation

If parents have chosen a burial, they need to pay for both the plot and the headstone.

For cremations, there is a choice regarding the ashes. They can be buried at the crematorium, scattered in the Garden of Rest or the ashes can be collected to scatter or bury elsewhere. Some families like to simply keep the ashes at home.

The funeral day

Here are some ideas that parents have suggested for the day:

• Include the child’s photograph on the service sheet.
• Taking a list of names or asking people to sign a book will show parents who attended the day.
• Ask – in advance – if the service can be relayed to outside the building, if more people are attending that can be accommodated.
• Tell other children what they should expect to happen at the funeral. Another adult could be asked to look after siblings and friends during the service and afterwards.

After the funeral

Some families choose to arrange a funeral tea at home (or at another venue).

Consider asking someone to remain at home during the funeral service to welcome guests.

Parents should not feel obliged to organise anything if it doesn’t feel right.

Dealing with the practicalities

Children’s belongings

Some parents choose to sort through their child’s belongings before they die. Others wait until the time seems right for them.  Siblings, grandparents and close friends may like to choose a memento of the child. Or the child may have asked for chosen items to go to certain people.

A child’s bedroom

Deciding whether to change a child’s room can be a difficult decision. Some may want to leave it exactly as it was, and siblings may want to sleep in there for a while. Others may want to redecorate quickly or move things around.  Only the family will know what feels most natural.

Getting back to ‘normal’

This may seem impossible in the days, months and years shortly after a child’s death. It is normal to look back and question ‘why’ a child had to die. Yet over time sadness can turn into fond memories and an acceptance that the child is still part of family life but in a different way.

Further resources about bereavement are available from our Child Cancer Helpline on 0800 197 0068 or by ordering online here.